The Pain in Personalizing

Up until a year or so ago, I did what most human beings do—I personalized everything in life. If someone was nice to me I would take it personal. If someone would not let me in while driving in traffic I would take it personal. If someone whom I loved said something hurtful or did something hurtful I would take it personal. As I began taking a step back in my life I began noticing that in the majority of all of these situations I have very little to do with the reactions and actions of those around me especially if I don’t know the person at all.

For instance the other day my wife Sara got upset with me and said something’s that she did not mean. I reacted to her, yet not nearly as much as I would have one year ago. After reacting a bit I engaged the present moment, watched my thoughts, and emotions, I calmed down pretty quickly. Within the calm was a deeper understanding of Sara’s reaction. Her Mom just started chemo again and is living with bone cancer. It is very painful for Sara to see her mom suffer and there were other things also going on that had Sara upset. Her reactions to me truly had nothing to do with me—I was just the receiver of her angry and sadness.

The next time you experience an emotional charge or reaction, pause, engage conscious breathing—stepping into the present moment. Watch the emotions and thoughts as a third party observer and watch them fade. After fading remain in the non-judgmental awareness and watch insight arise as to what you just experienced. I find most of the time it is not personal. A necessary practice in Being Empowered.

Confirmation or Unease

If you contemplate the questions, what is my life all about and you receive confirmation congratulations you are living the life you want. If there is some hesitation or unease, you need to start digging deeper. What is it that comes up? Write it down and begin studying your dissatisfaction.

Some people have a tendency to ignore dissatisfaction. It is the old saying, “ignorance is bliss”. Maybe at first ignorance is bliss—over time whatever we resist will persist. I find the persistency becomes annoying because it is reality knocking on my door getting louder and louder. At some point the volume becomes painful and our dissatisfaction deserves attention.

Once you get in touch with your dissatisfaction pull it close like a doctor analyzing a sickness, turn the questions around. Why do I want to be here, what do I want my life to be about and when I am gone what do I want people to remember me for? These can be very empowering questions. Journaling can be some of the most transformative work. If your life is worth living—it is worth writing about.

The Big Picture

When I was first introduced to present moment awareness, I thought “this is hard”. In educating myself about my own mind I realized that in many ways my mind has always controlled my life. My habits and judgments and the past have always lead the way. In the beginning I realized if I could just direct my attention away from the stream of thought and disconnect once a day it would be more than I had been doing my whole life. As I began to bring my attention away from the thought stream and into the present moment I discovered a new way of living.

The intention behind developing a calm abiding practice is to develop a non-reactive and non-judgmental orientation to the present moment. Most of our suffering and stress in life comes from us personalizing our experience and continually reacting to life in a way that is purely predicated by our past conditioning. When we are only identified with our thinking this is the only way we know how to answer to life on a daily basis—we know no better.

I always remind students that this practice is a moment to moment commitment. It is important that you see the big picture of developing a mindfulness practice. The big picture is that our ability to evolve and cultivate our inner wisdom is not just for personal reasons. As we elevate ourselves above the bondages of habitual ways of living that cause suffering and pain in our lives, we begin to affect those around us. People begin noticing that we are different and less reactive. It is our presence and example that begins to inspire others.

I truly believe that each human being is here in this life to show what is possible within a human life. Now you may think I am being cliché yet I ask you to cultivate these questions. Why are you here? What is your life all about? When you die what are people going to say about you? If you spend time contemplating these questions and come back to them often enough you will begin to notice one of two things—confirmation or unease. I will handle this in my next entry.

Discovering Your Vision

Focusing your eyesight during a yoga practice is called drishti in Sanskrit. Drishti is a point of focus. Each yoga posture has a designated gazing point. Focusing your eyes during a yoga practice is the first step in a three tier process which synchronizes your mind and body. The word drishti is derived from the Sanskrit root rish meaning vision or insight.

Your mind tends to identify with whatever it looks at. When our minds are busy we don’t have an opportunity to see clearly. If your eyes are wandering your mind is wandering. In ancient India the Rishis were visionaries who lived amongst the tribes. They were able to give wise advice about decisions that had to be made for the welfare of the tribe. Similar to the stories you hear about the Native American Indians seeking insight from their elders.

It is typical for the beginner yoga student to look around the room, move quicker than the teacher, anticipate the next posture and of course we can’t forget the good old fashion fidget. These are all simple signs of being identified with thinking verses being. The mind is leaning into the next moment and focused on thoughts instead of the body. Remember your body is always in the present moment—it is our minds that get caught up in the past and lean into the future.

I remember in the beginning of my practice I would spend a lot of time looking around trying to figure out how to do postures correctly. We encourage new students do to this in the beginning of their practice. It helps them gain an understanding. As you gain a deeper understanding of the alignment and the process of synchronizing the mind and body, a student gains confidence and begins discovering the power of a stable vision.

This is paradoxical. By narrowing your vision and bringing your attention to a one pointed focus you begin to gain a larger perspective within your life and the lives of those around you. The consistent practice of synchronizing the mind and body leads to a calmer state of being outside of the asana or meditation practice—within this state something very special and revolutionary happens. You begin seeing your thoughts from a third party perspective. Your thinking slows down and something much vaster than thought shows itself. I will handle this in my next entry

Self Discipline

Building on the literal meaning of discipline, self discipline is the ability to work with the instructions that come in and out of your head on a daily basis. It is learning to discern which thoughts create peace and happiness and which ones create stress and suffering. Paying attention to your relationship with your thoughts and how you react to them is the foundation of developing self discipline.

Discipline can be a difficult word for most of us. It conjures up images of somebody standing over you with a stick, telling you to do something or else. I find that if we view discipline as an external force that is confining or restricting we will never develop discipline. Viewing discipline as something that comes from within, hence self discipline, can lead to the cultivation of wisdom and a true feeling of freedom and stability within your life.

When you are trying to change a behavior or create a new pattern—paying attention is the critical component. For instance let’s use the example of creating a consistent exercise program. You have a time scheduled when you are going to exercise. As you get closer to the time you are supposed to exercise pay attention to any thoughts that start to sabotage your intentions. As you start to see the thoughts begin to label them as sabotage and then return to the present moment before you begin reacting to them. Taking a deep breath in and exhaling fully can help you develop a relationship with the present moment. This relationship will help you let go of self sabotaging thoughts. The thoughts will slowly lose their power as you learn not to identify with them and return to the present moment—you are pruning your brain!

The first time you see the thought you may get excited because you have never fully seen that the thought holds you back from what you want. I promise you the second time you see the thought you will also notice that they now have supporting thoughts. This is the wiring's way of pulling in other wires in the hope of not being pruned. If you stay present and pay attention without reacting the thoughts will leave within no time. Each time you watch the thoughts and don’t react to them they lose their power—you are now on your way to developing new wiring within your brain.
The process of developing self discipline is some of the most challenging work you will ever do. It is also some of the most rewarding. It is only hard if we stop breathing through it. If we keep returning to the breath we will develop self discipline and wiring that supports our deepest intentions.

Discipline

The word discipline in its most general sense refers to systematic instruction given to a disciple. The Latin root disciplina "instruction", from the root discere "to learn," The origin is the master giving instructions to the disciple. Further elaborating the disciple follows instructions eventually creating a habit around the instructions. The disciple has created a discipline through repetition.

I will often hear people say that they don’t have the discipline to exercise or practice yoga frequently enough—this often bums me out. I see that it is something that bothers them enough that they verbalize it to me. If they are speaking outwardly it is probably a thought that dominates their mind throughout the day—a thought which probably brings a fair about of self loathing and suffering into their life—a real confidence crusher.

The science of neuroplasticity refers to the malleable nature of our brains and minds. Neuroplasticity (variously referred to brain re-mapping) refers to the changes that occur in the organization of the brain as a result of our experience. Decades ago neuroscientists thought the brain was relatively fixed around age two. We now know the brain can change and rewire up into old age. Wiring in the brain can also disappear if we no longer think a certain thought. We have the ability to prune our brain like we would the weeds in our garden.

When you begin to understand this science it is the beginning of true freedom within your life. You realize the way you think is nothing more then programming. The programming happens by the way you think, speak and act. Your direct experience is what is continually wiring your brain. For instance you start to notice the same thoughts that create excuses why you can’t exercise. You see the thought for what it is—just a thought. Next blog I will address working with thought.